My dad was a full fledged alcoholic, had been my entire life. In my younger years, although I knew the problems his drinking caused, he was still my dad and I loved him. As I grew up and had kids of my own, I made a conscious decision not to subject them to the alcoholic drama and belligerent fights his drinking created.
Years would pass before I would speak to him again. I tried countless times to have a relationship with him so that he could be a part of his grand kids and great grand kids life to no avail. In 2013 he had a fall that landed him in the hospital having brain surgery to remove a blood clot, a fall that happened because he was drunk. My brother, sister and I were at the hospital every day with him, we had hoped that once he recovered that he would set aside his drinking and spend the rest of his time getting to know his family, the ones who loved him despite what the alcohol told him. He was sober for 6 months!
Fast forward 2015, the last words I spoke to my dad were that " you are going to die alone". On April 25th 2015, he died! He laid there in front of his door for a week if not more before he was found. The words I spoke to him haunt me. I knew he would die, but I always believed that he would just fall asleep and not wake up. The way he was found haunts me. I ask God why this way? Did he know, is that why he was trying to get out of his apartment, to get help? Did he know that despite the alcohol, I loved him? Did he suffer or was it quick?
Will there ever be peace in knowing that I will never know what actually happened? My dad would have been 70 this May. All those years lost. I was angry for many years, and now there is just total sadness when I think of my dad. I understand addiction, I went through Al-anon, I went to AA meetings with my dad, it doesn't fix the loss I feel because of the drinking.
I am and have been one of little faith for a while now. I am working my way back to my Heavenly Father and every day is a struggle to let go and let God. I know that until I release the guilt and control of this, I will continue to be left stranded in this abyss of darkness that I feel.
There is so much more that I could say about this, however, today I think I will just end with saying, I love you dad.
